Walking While Numb
by Fiction95
Summary: Jade West has always been the Gothic mean girl who didn't really care about anyone or anything. What if that wasn't true? What if she suffered in silence? Her own abuse? My first ever story, please give it a chance. Self-harm/abuse
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious**

_She held the blade in her shaking hand. 'Do it… Don't do it… Go ahead… Stop this… Yes… No,' the voice in her head couldn't decide what to do._

'_Your life is a mess… do it,' the voice argued. 'But what about Beck?' she tried to reason._

'_Come on. You know very well that Beck is in love with that Tori girl.' The voice made a point. 'But… but…' she tried to argue, but she was tired of arguing. 'Just do it,' the voice made its final point. She put the blade to her wrist, and slowly ran it down. She felt relief as a thin line of dark red appeared…_


	2. Chapter 1: That Burning Feeling

**CHAPTER 1**

**A/N Hey Guys, Fiction95 here. This is my first ever fanfiction story. I hope you like it. So, on to the story**

**That Burning Feeling**

Jade woke up the next morning to a screeching alarm. She groaned and slammed her hand down on the clock, putting an end to the noise.

She forced herself out of bed and walked to the bathroom, turning on the water in the shower. In the corner of her eye, she saw a few drops of blood still left on the floor. "Oh great." She rolled her eyes and went to clean the blood, making sure every single drop was gone.

After the floor was clean, she stripped off her clothes and jumped in the shower, feeling the hot water run down her body.

Suddenly, she felt a burning sensation in her lower arm. She knew it was the cuts. Strangely enough, she rejoiced in the burning feeling, because it told her that she was still alive…in some way.

When she was done showering, she got out, wrapped a towel around her body and walked to her closet, looking for something to wear. It was pretty easy, considering all she wore was black. She finally found something, and put it on, finishing the outfit with her beloved combat boots. She didn't even bother drying her hair, considering it dried enough in the towel.

She grabbed her book bag and walked out of her room, down to the kitchen. Her dad was passed out drunk on the couch again. She rolled her eyes and grabbed an apple, taking a bite out of it while walking out of the front door. She was not in the mood to wake him now, so she decided to walk to school.

'Maybe it would clear my head a little' she thought to herself, but of course the voice had something to say. 'Your head can never be cleared. You're cursed.' She shook her head. "If you only knew…"

**Please review :)**


	3. Chapter 2: Guardian Angel

**CHAPTER 2**

**A/N I don't own Victorious**

**Guardian Angel**

Jade walked through the huge double doors of Hollywood Arts High School, with her Gears of War bag slung over her shoulder. She really didn't want to face this day, or any day in that sense, but she had to. She couldn't just disappear, though she really wished she could.

She walked across the hall to her scissor covered locker and opened it, packing her books in and getting her Theatre History book out for first period.

Just then she felt arms wrap around her from behind. Every bad feeling left her body, and she turned around in her guardian angel's arms, snuggling into his chest. She thought about how lucky she was to have him, because without him, she wouldn't exist. He was the only one who got to know the real her. The real Jade West. The person she never shows to anyone but him, because she's scared of getting hurt. Again. She smiled up at him; her own personal angel.

"Good morning beautiful" he told her and then leaned down to softly kiss her lips. She loved the way he was so gentle with her, because no one else was. Everyone thought she was a monster, even her own parents. She lived in her own personal hell, though heaven came to be when she was with him. Beck Oliver. A name carved from the heavenly stone, sent down in the form of him, the man who saved her life. "Sleep well?" he smiled at her, the smile that made her weak.

"I guess… couldn't really sleep." Beck frowned. She knew she probably shouldn't have told him that, but what was the point in lying to him?

"What happened?" Beck asked, his face serious. "Was it your dad again?" Jade looked down at her boots, not wanting to face him, because she knew if she did, she'd start crying, and she could not cry in school.

"No, it wasn't him… it was…" Just then, the bell rang, and she breathed in relief. "Nothing, let's get to class." She pulled him along behind her before he could ask anything else.


	4. Chapter 3: Daddy's Home

**CHAPTER 3**

**A/N Please review and tell me what's awesome or what I need to fix**

**Daddy's Home**

After school, Jade told Beck she couldn't hang out with him because she was behind on homework. He didn't seem to believe her, but didn't ask any further. The entire walk home her mind was filled with thoughts. Was he home? Did he leave for the day? Was he drunk or sober? What would happen…

She walked into the driveway, and that's when she saw it. _His_ car. Her mind screamed "RUN!" but she didn't listen. She walked up the driveway, to the door, unlocked it, and turned the knob.

It was dark inside the house. She knew what that meant. She carefully made her way to her stairway. 'Maybe I can sneak up to my room without disturbing him' she thought to herself. She stepped on the first step, and it creaked.

Next thing she knew a hand grabbed her wrist and pulled her toward him. She looked up into the demonic eyes of _him._ His black eyes glistened and he smiled cruelly.

"Good afternoon princess, have a good day at school?" he asked her. She just nodded. "Answer me!" he yelled in her face.

"Yes, yes I did…" she managed to get out.

"Well that's too bad" he said to her and then threw her against the stairway railing. She instinctively grabbed her head, protecting it against the blow. But he wasn't done. He grabbed her and pulled her up, scratching her arm in the process.

He threw her against the wall, and then kicked her in the stomach. "Wow, feels a little flabby there, doesn't it? You better lose some weight, you're almost as fat as the mid day sun" he said, laughing maniacally. Jade held her stomach.

"Dad… Please…" she tried to get out, but he grabbed her arm and pulled her up to face him. "Don't beg, that's a whore's job. Oh wait…" He threw her hard against the floor. "You are one" he said and kicked her stomach again.

He kneeled down and forced her to look at him. "You listen here; I'd rather go live in the dark side of the world than have a daughter like you. But I'm stuck with you, so suck it up!" he said and let her go.

He walked to the kitchen, got a beer out of the fridge and walked to the living room, sitting down on a couch in front of the television. She knew that was her cue that he was done with her. For now.

She ran upstairs into her bedroom, not minding the pain. She locked the door, afraid he might do that again. She looked down and saw her arm was bleeding, realising she didn't even notice how bad the scratches were. She sighed and walked into the bathroom, locking the door

* * *

Jade lay in the bathtub, still trying to catch her breath. Everything happened so quickly, but she's used to it. She's used to the pain. She doesn't mind it anymore. It's become a part of her.

She sat up slowly and looked down at her scarred body. The water around it was a little pinkish from the blood coming from the scratches on her arms. The marks _he_ gave to her in a fit of rage. She ran her fingers over the scratches, and then moved her hand to her stomach, pressing down on it. Pain shot through her body, and she immediately let go. She was tired. Not just physically, though. _His_ words kept repeating around in her head.

"_Wow, feels a little flabby there, doesn't it? You better lose some weight, you're almost as fat as the mid day sun."_She remembered how he laughed after that. _"Don't beg, that's a whore's job. Oh wait… You are one."_She felt numb inside. _"You listen here; I'd rather go live in the dark side of the world than have a daughter like you. But I'm stuck with you, so suck it up!"_That hurt the most.

'You're worthless. You're hopeless. No one loves you. End it.' That little voice in her head was really bugging her now… but it had a point. She reached into the cupboard near the bathtub and opened the door. She took something shiny and silver out of it. A _razor blade._ She twirled it around her fingers, when it accidentally scraped her thumb. A drop of blood came out. She felt relief. No more pain.

She put the blade to her wrist and pressed gently. A small line of dark red blood oozed out. She pressed harder. More blood came out. Drops of blood started flowing down her arm into the bathtub. The water started turning pink. She didn't care. She felt relief, if only for a little while


	5. Chapter 4: Reality Dreaming

**Chapter 4**

**A/N I hope you guys are liking this story so far**

**Reality Dreaming**

She felt numb. Pain shot through her every time she moved, but she didn't notice. She felt at ease with the pain. Like it was part of her.

She tried to get up off the floor, but she couldn't. She felt weak. She looked up at the ceiling, and suddenly blood started oozing out from the corners in the room. It flowed down the wall.

She felt scared and tried to run, but her body was chained to the floor. She struggled against the chains, but couldn't get out. Millions of little cuts started filling every inch of her body. Every single cut was bleeding. She screamed, but her voice didn't make a sound.

Then she saw it. _His_ face sprang in front of her. Demented eyes and a devilish smile caressed his face. She screamed and was back in her room, lying in her bed clutching her comforter.

'It was a dream' she thought. 'Just a dream.' She didn't seem too sure though. What if it was real? What if it _became_ real? What if she's stuck in this nightmare forever? She lay down and tried to get the thought out of her head, but it wouldn't budge

A few hours later, she looked at the clock. "5 am" She groaned and got out of bed, figuring that she's not gonna sleep now. She went into the bathroom and locked the door. Standing in front of the mirror, she took off her shirt and looked at the damage her father has done.

Her body was black and blue, from her chest down to her stomach. She couldn't touch the skin there, because it hurt too much. The cuts on her wrists were starting to form scabs. She decided to skip showering and just got ready for school.

Looking in her closet, she got her clothes for the day: black jeans, black t-shirt and combat boots. She also decided to wear black gloves that went up to her elbows. She brushed her hair out, grabbed her bag and walked out of her room.

When she got to the kitchen, she saw her dad was nowhere to be found. She sighed in relief and walked out of the house. She was surprised to see Beck waiting in his car. He usually met her at school. "Hey Beck… What are you doing here?" she asked carefully.

"I decided not to let you walk today. I came to pick you up" he answered, smiling. He then pulled her in for a kiss. "Good morning beautiful"

"Good morning babe" She smiled and kissed him softly. He then opened the door for her and she got in, then he went to get into the driver's side. They started pulling away from her house. The silence was comfortable. It made Jade feel content and…happy? Yeah, she was happy. Right here, right now


	6. Chapter 5: The Truth Shows

**Chapter 5**

**The Truth Shows**

Jade stood in front of her locker, trying to find her Theatre History book that was wedged somewhere at the back between her Math book and a random notebook covered in her drawings.

She finally got her hands around the book, and no sooner she pulled it out of her locker, she heard a high pitched "Hi Jade!" behind her, making her drop the book. Cat.

"Cat!" she yelled. "Do you always have to be so hyper?" Cat bounced in one place.

"Yep" she answered, and started giggling like she's famously known for. "So Jade, did you sleep well?"

Jade glared at her."I guess… You?" Cat giggled again.

"Yes, I had an awesome dream. I dreamt I was riding a unicorn on a candy rainbow and there was a leprechaun and a fairy and a mermaid and…" That went on for about ten minutes, before Cat started giggling again. "What did you dream about Jade?"

Jade looked at Cat and rolled her eyes. "Death and depression" Cat stared at her blankly, but started giggling again. 'It wasn't a total lie' Jade told herself.

She hated lying to her best friend. Yes, Cat Valentine, who usually annoyed other people, was Jade West's best friend. Shocking truth.

"Ooh, Andre, wait up!" Cat skipped away toward Andre, leaving Jade in her own misery. She looked back into her locker, and saw the notebook. She grabbed it and slammed her locker shut just as the bell rung. Off to first period

Jade sat in class and doodled on her notebook. Beck wasn't in this class, so he wasn't sitting next to her as usual. She stared off into space while drawing random stuff on her notebook.

She tried to picture the perfect life in her head. A loving father, a mother who was there… Actual love. But she couldn't. she couldn't erase what _he_'s done from her mind. It's like a replay of a boring old sitcom. Except, with a sitcom, you can turn the television off, and end the torture.

She didn't even realize how long she'd been daydreaming. "Jade West!" She knew know. She snapped out of her daydream to face her teacher, looking very…worried? 'Wait, what is going on?' she asked herself. Just then, the bell rang. She got up to leave, when the teacher called her back. She walked to her table.

"Sit down, Jade." Jade nodded and sat down. The teacher, known as Miss Mackery, looked at her, concern showing on her face. "Jade, you've been daydreaming a lot in this class. And by that drawing on your notebook, it doesn't seem normal." Jade looked at her notebook, and saw she had absentmindedly drawn a picture of two demonic eyes, surrounded by a fist, a knife, a beer and… a _razor blade._ Jade felt afraid. Really afraid.

'What have I done?' she yelled in her head. Miss Mackery spoke again, knocking Jade out of her inner monologue.

"I think… I'm going to make an appointment with Lane, and I will make sure you go to that session. If not, I will call the police to arrest your father."

Jade looked shocked. "W-w-why my father?" Miss Mackery looked at her.

"You forgot to cover the bruise marks on your elbow. They look just like a grown man's hand." Jade almost swallowed wind. She was caught

**Kind of a cliffhanger. Review please.**


	7. Chapter 6: Beautiful Stranger

**Chapter 6**

**Beautiful Stranger**

Jade walked through the huge double doors of Hollywood Arts High School, carrying her Gears of Wars bag close to her. Today was the day she'd been dreading. Today, she had to go see Lane about the marks on her arm and possibly get her father arrested. As if that bastard deserved to go to jail; he deserved to perish in the fiery pits of hell. She shook the thought from her mind and walked down the hallways, which seemed endless today, until she reached a door.

Room 15 had a plaque on the door that read '_Lane Alexander. Guidance Counsellor.'_Jade suddenly felt anxious. What if Lane pitied her? The last thing she wanted or needed was pity. What if he sent her away to some crazy asylum? She'd be away from people, but for how long until she started going mad? She sighed and knocked on the door. 'Now or never.'

After what felt like hours, Lane finally opened the door. "Ah Jade, come in please" he said to her with a smile. She frowned and walked past him, into the room that smelled faintly like…lotion? Before she could figure out where it came from, Lane closing the door snapped her out of her dream world.

'Jeez, that seems to be happening a lot these days' she thought to herself. Lane went and sat on his basket chair, at least that's what Jade calls it.

"Why don't you sit down Jade? This might take a while." Jade shrugged and sat on the couch. "So Jade… How was your day so far?" Lane asked carefully, as if he's afraid she'll go insane and chew his foot off.

'Tempting' she thought, but then realized she still had to answer. "It was good," she answered flatly, not really wanting to be here. It seems as though he didn't pick up on that.

"That's good," he answered as cheery as always. It made Jade sick. He spoke again. "Do you have anything planned for today?"

'Just sitting in this hellhole then I'm going to go home to get beaten again. Nothing special,' she thought sarcastically. "No," she answered with even less emotion than before.

"Why not?" He asked. He was talking in circles, avoiding the actual topic. Jade was getting fed up.

"Lane, stop asking these unnecessary questions. We both know why I'm here. Let's just talk about it and get it over with so I can go home." She didn't mean to be rude, but she couldn't take it anymore.

Lane didn't seem to mind though. "Alright then. Jade… tell me a bit about your home life."

'Well my mother died in a car accident I caused and my dad is a lousy drunk who's been blaming me for that for years now. Nothing out of the ordinary.' These thoughts were really getting on her nerves, but only because she wishes she could really say them. "My mother died when I was five, and I live with my dad."

Lane wrote something down and went on questioning her. "How is your relationship with your dad?"

'I hate the bastard with everything in me, and he likes using me as a punching bag. Normal father-daughter relationship.' Jade looked emotionlessly at Lane. "Strained, I guess." Lane wrote something down again. 'What is he writing?'

Her thoughts got interrupted again. "Why would you say strained, Jade?"

'He verbally and physically abuses me when he feels like it.' "We just don't talk much." He writes something down again. That's how it goes for the next hour. Ask pointless question, random sarcastic thought, answer not completely the truth, not completely a lie, writing something down.

After what felt like an eternity, Lane told her their time is over. He scheduled another appointment and she walked out of the classroom, out of the doors of the school and finally got to her car. She got in at the driver's side and lay her head against the headrest, relaxing for a few minutes.

'Enough of this.' She thought, starting the car. She decided to take the long way home, because she didn't want to go home yet, but she also didn't have anywhere else to go. She was so distracted by her thoughts that she had forgotten to watch the road.

She saw a shadowy figure in the distance. Looking closely she saw it was a person standing next to car parked on the side of the road. Slowing down, she came to a stop next to the person and rolled down her window. "Hey, need any help?"

The person turned around, and she saw that it was a guy. "Yeah, my car broke down and now it doesn't want to start." Jade got out of the car, remembering she had jumper cables.

She opened the trunk and got them out. "I'll plug these onto my battery, and then you do the same to yours." The guy nodded and took half of the cables. Jade plugged the other half onto her battery, and then motioned to him to do the same. "Now go start your car."

He got into the driver's side of his car and tried starting the car. Nothing happened. "It's not working," he called out to Jade.

She had a little experience with this sort of thing, so she decided to see for herself what's going on. "I think your battery's fried. We might need to get a tow truck out here."

"Shit! How long is that going to take," he muttered.

Jade wasn't sure if he was asking her or talking to himself. She answered anyway. "Probably an hour or so."

"That is so great." She took the cables off of her battery and he did the same, handing them to her. "Thanks for helping." She took the cables from him.

"No problem." 'Hold on a sec… Why was I helping him? Jade West doesn't help people. What makes him so different?' she thought to herself. 'Maybe it's the sincerity in his eyes. She's never seen that in someone's eyes, not even Beck's.' She shrugged it off and watched him as he called the towing company.

When he was done, she asked him how long they will take to get here. "Thirty minutes. It seems as though they're not really busy today." She smiled… wait, Jade smiled? This day was getting weirder.

"Cool, so you're set now? Or do I have to wait with you so you can have some company?"

He chuckled a bit at that. "No, I'm fine. But, I do want to repay you for helping me."

She smiled at him. "You don't have to."

"But I want to." He smiled back at her. "Why don't you give me your number, and I can take you out sometime. Just as friends and just to repay you. Don't want to get your boyfriend mad." He chuckled and took out his phone, handing it to her.

She smiled and typed her number in, handing it back to him. "Nice to meet you…" he looked at the phone, "Jade."

He smiled and held his hand out to her. She shook his hand. "Nice to meet you too…" She trailed off.

"Brian. Brian Haner."


	8. Chapter 7: Deception and Hurricanes

**Chapter 7**

**Deception and Hurricanes**

Jade drove down the road, still on the long way home. She decided to call Beck and see if maybe she can hang out there. She dialled his number, but it went straight to voicemail. 'Maybe the battery's dead.' She decided to drive to his RV.

She drove up the driveway to Beck's RV, and saw that the lights were still on in there. She walked up to the door and saw that it was locked. Luckily, she still had the extra key Beck had given her. Unlocking the door, she went in to find a something she didn't expect.

"Jade, it's not what it looks like," Beck tried to defend. But it WAS what it looked like.

Beck Oliver, the boyfriend of Jade West, had been kissing Tori Vega half-naked in his RV.

"No, no, I don't want to hear it Beck. I trusted you and… I can't do this. We're over. I never want to see you again!" She screeched at him. "And you," she pointed at Tori, "better stay the hell away from me!" With that, she left and got into her car. Not caring if _he_was there, she just wanted to go home.

After an hour of driving, Jade finally got home that night. She parked her car in the driveway, locking it as she got out.

She walked to the front door and unlocked it, opening the door to find the lights off. 'He's probably not home,' she thought, and started going up the stairs.

Just as she reached the fifth stair, a hand grabbed her from behind, pulling her to down the stairs. Scratch that, pushing her down the stairs.

She winced in pain as her back hit the cold, hard floor. Next thing she knew, a fist collided with her eye, and she blacked out.

* * *

Jade woke up not knowing how long she'd been out. She observed her surroundings, and figured out that it's about 11pm and that her dad was gone. For how long, she did not know.

She tried to stand up, but couldn't because of everything _he_ did to her while she was out. She didn't even know what he did. He could've raped her for all she knows. 'He wouldn't do that… right?' She thought to herself, but of course someone else had to make her presence known.

'Yes, I believe he would,' the little voice in her head said. That annoying little voice was back.

She shrugged and started pulling herself up the stairs, into her room and managed to lock the door and get onto her bed without falling.

She didn't want to sleep yet, so she decided maybe she could catch up on her playwriting. She pulled her laptop onto her lap and waited for it to turn on.

She stared at the moon, noticing how dimly it's lighting up her room, and suddenly got an idea. "The moon is a dim light…" she whispered to herself. "The moon is my dim light… That's it!" She started typing furiously, not wanting to lose her new song idea

About ten minutes later, she was finally done writing the lyrics to a new song. She smiled a bit as she re-read the words on her laptop screen. She softly started singing to herself.

_I'm sparking up a whole lot feelings around me I can't see Why I'm doing this so suddenly I don't know, Why you are burning me from the inside out With your lies; in your eyes_

_There's a lot of pain and a lot of hurt Though I tried protecting you from dirt But I can't seem to keep you around no more You might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm no more human Than you baby_

_Here I am in the darkened night With the moon as my only dim light Tryna find a way across the fire I could run away (take the easy way) Or fight through the flames I'm jumping from the frying pan Straight into the fire_

_I'm lighting up a flare of hope in the distance But it fades And again I'm stuck inside this trance No way out I cannot seem to find the right way out Of this maze; another place_

_To call a home, to run right to After everything we've been through But I can't seem to find another chance You might think I'm strong enough, but it's starting to feel Like I'm fading_

_Here I am in the darkened night With the moon as my only dim light Tryna find a way across the fire I could run away (take the easy way) Or fight through the flames I'm jumping from the frying pan Straight into the fire_

_Fading away to a different place Where I don't have to hide from me I'm fighting again for oxygen Like you're strangling me discretely I can't see you anymore I'm closing up my secret door_

_Here I am in the darkened night With the moon as my only dim light Tryna find a way across the fire I could run away (take the easy way) Or fight through the flames I'm jumping from the frying pan Straight into the fire_

_Here I am in the darkened night With the moon as my only dim light Tryna find a way across the fire I could run away (take the easy way) Or fight through the flames I'm jumping from the frying pan Straight into the fire_

_Here I am in the darkened night Fighting through the fire_

She smiled and closed her laptop, putting it next to her. She suddenly felt a little vibration and saw that it had come from her phone. She picked it up and saw she had a text.

**_Hey :) You awake? –Brian_**

She chuckled a bit. The poor boy was probably bored and sort of knew she'd be the only one awake at this hour. She texted him back.

**_Hey :) Yeap. Car break down again? :P –Jade_**

It barely took thirty seconds for him to reply.

**_Funny :P No, actually, just wanted to ask you out, you know, to say thanks –B_**

She read the text and rolled her eyes, smiling.

**_Now what makes you think that I'd go out with a guy who can't even figure out what's wrong with his car? –J_**

She almost burst out laughing. She's gonna love torturing this guy.

**_Because that guy has a guitar? –B_**

'Ooh, he's a rocker, I see. This is gonna be fun.'

**_That supposed to impress me? –J_**

**_Yeah ;) –B_**

She smiled and put her 'Panic! at the Disco' CD in her radio. 'Hurricane' started playing.

**_A little cocky, I see? –J_**

Singing along to 'Hurricane,' she waited for a reply.

**_You'll get to know me :) I'm just gonna take the lead here, and say I'm gonna pick you up tomorrow at eight. Wear something pretty. –B_**

She smiled at his assertiveness. 'The guy has guts. She's gonna agree to that.' Before she can reply, she got another text.

**_Just text me your address, kay? –B_**

She bit her lip. 'He can't pick her up here. With _him_ hanging around.' She decided to text him Cat's address and then just wait there for him. Cat would back her up. She texted him the address and told him she was going to bed now. Before she fell asleep, he texted back.

**_Night :) Can't wait for tomorrow –B_**

She fell asleep with a smile on her face for the first time ever.

**A/N: The song Jade sung is called From the Frying Pan written by…. ME! Yes, I wrote that. *applause* Lol, anyway, I own that song, but I do not own Hurricane or Panic! at the Disco. Though I wish I did. *drools over Ryan Ross and his makeup as she waits for you guys to review* Yes, I do like Emo boys…. Now go review! Reviews are like water… without it, the story will die. Please don't kill an innocent story. (:**


	9. Chapter 8: Memories of a Broken Life

**Chapter 8**

**Memories of a Broken Life**

Jade walked up the steps of Cat's porch. Cat had agreed to let Jade get ready at her house. Well, more screamed excitedly than actually agreed.

She knocked on the front door and less than a second later Cat opened the door and pulled Jade in. "What was that all about?" she asked, a little irked at the fact that she just got pulled around.

"I wanted to get you in before someone sees you." Jade rolled her eyes and walked up to Cat's room, setting her bag down on Cat's bed. Cat skipped into the room and fell down on her bed. "So Jadey, what do you want to do?" Jade glared at Cat, but when she saw Cat looking at her with innocent eyes, her expression softened a bit.

"I want to take a shower." She walked to Cat's bathroom and started the shower, stripping out of her clothes. She stepped into the shower, feeling the warm water run down her body.

She felt the sting of the old cuts on her arm a little bit, but it was not as bad anymore. She looked at her wrist, and saw the newest cut. The one that looks a little like a B. The one she gave herself after she dumped Beck. She felt a little bit of hate for that cut, actually wishing that it won't leave a scar. Wishing it would go away, but knowing it won't. Maybe she could get a new tattoo over it.

She ran her left hand down her right arm, stopping at the rebel star tattoo on her arm. She remembered when she got it. She was 15 and got it only to spite her dad. The same with the rebel star on her left arm.

She moved her hand up to her left shoulder, stopping at the tiny tattoo of a pair of black scissors near her upper back. She loved scissors, and the tattoo seemed fitting to get. She smiled at the memory, later realizing that she'd been in the shower for fifteen minutes already.

She quickly washed her body, being gentle on the newest bruises and injuries. She stopped the water and got out of the shower, walking back into Cat's room, finding the little red-haired girl fast asleep, clutching a stuffed giraffe. Jade smiled a bit at the sight of her best friend, before grabbing her clothes and walking back into the bathroom.

She dressed in a black jean with a black and purple corset-type shirt, finishing the outfit with her beloved combat boots. She put her thick black leather bracelets on that covered every scar on her wrist. One less problem to deal with. She blow-dried her hair a little, and decided on wearing blue streaks in her hair.

She put her guitar necklace around her neck and smiled, running her hand over each diamond studded fret. She loved this necklace as much as she loved her own guitar. Unfortunately, the only thing she had left of that guitar was a plain black pick with a purple J on it. Her dad had lost his mind one day, and ended up using the guitar as a new weapon against Jade.

She released the necklace and started on her make-up, making sure she hid every single bruise. She really didn't need this guy questioning her on that.

After she was done, she took one last look in the mirror, smiled a little, and walked out of the bathroom to find a newly awakened Cat watching cartoons. "Hey Jade! Wow, you look pretty! This guy's going to love you!" She started giggling like crazy, muttering something about marriage. Jade rolled her eyes and got her handbag ready, putting her phone and some lip gloss in it.

She heard a car pull up, and started going downstairs, only to hear a knock on the door and a hyper Cat answering it. She hadn't even noticed that Cat was gone. She walked downstairs and caught sight of a tallish guy with dark hair, dressed in a black jean, white shirt and black hoodie. 'He likes black. Maybe I'll end up liking him a little.'

She walked to the door. "Hey." He said, smiling at her.

"Hey." She said, smiling a little as she passed Cat and walked out of the house. "Bye Cat." She said, walking to his car and getting inside.

She could've sworn she saw him roll his eyes, muttering something like 'this is gonna be interesting.' She smiled to herself as he got into the driver's side, and as he started the car, she felt extremely comfortable for some unknown reason.

**I know this chapter is short, but it's sort of like a filler and I'm gonna try to make them longer (:**


	10. Chapter 9: Silver Moonlight

**Chapter 9**

**Silver Moonlight**

Jade sat in the car, the silence slowly becoming awkward. She sighed in relief when he broke it. "So Jade… How are you today?"

Jade sat up a little. "I'm… Fine thanks. How are you?"

He looked at her but she looked away. "I'm good thanks. Why, uhm… Why only fine?" Jade turned her head to look at him, and felt her heart stop a little. She was staring into the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen. She saw how the little curls in his hair fell softly around his forehead and the full lips that she just wanted to kill with kisses.

'Stop it Jade!' She argued against herself, and looked away again. "Uhm, nothing bad really… Just broke up with my boyfriend."

She swore she could see him smile a little, but it was gone just as fast as it came. "Oh… I'm sorry…"

"Don't worry… It's been coming for a while." Afterwards, they drove in silence again until they pulled up to a restaurant called Nozu. He got out of his side of the car and went over to open the door for her. She jumped a bit when the door opened, not realizing what's happening around her. "Oh… thanks," she said as she got out.

They walked into the restaurant, and instantly the colours bothered Jade. Brian seemed to notice it. "You okay?" he asked her.

"Yeah, just don't like the pink hue on the walls."

He chuckled a bit and led her to a black booth in the back. "Better?" he asked her.

"Much." He chuckled again, and she couldn't help but smile at his little laugh. She slid into the booth and watched as he slid into the opposite side of her.

The rest of the night seemed to pass by quickly as they talked and laughed, and soon enough it was already past eleven o' clock. Brian paid the bill, and they walked back to his car. They continued talking until he pulled up into Cat's driveway.

He got out and walked Jade to the door. "I had a lot of fun."

She smiled and pulled a piece of her hair behind her ear. "I…had fun too."

They stood there for what felt like eternity, but were only a few seconds, before he leaned in a bit closer. Jade pulled away a bit, and he pulled away too. She felt disappointed in herself for pulling away. She really liked this guy. He was different than any other.

'Let your guard down Jade. Don't let him go.' She told herself. Smiling, she moved in a bit closer, and saw him smile too. She moved closer until their lips were only inches apart. He smiled and put his hand on her face, softly cupping her cheek, and went in all the way until their lips met. The kiss lasted for about five seconds before he pulled away. They smiled at each other in silence, savouring the moment they had right there.

* * *

Later that night Jade sat on Cat's balcony. The redhead had fallen asleep about twenty minutes ago, after about thirty minutes of nagging Jade on what happened on her date.

She looked up at the moon, smiling to herself. She never knew she would fall this fast, especially not for someone who's not Beck. No, Brian was certainly not Beck. He was different, better. He made her smile more tonight than she had ever smiled in her life.

She pulled Cat's guitar onto her lap and picked at the strings. She had finished a new song about five minutes ago, feeling like she fully captured what she's feeling for Brian. She softly sang to herself.

_Your blue eyes sparkle when you laugh I know I just can't get enough The melodies on your guitar play through me like no one else can_

_I'm alive with you You're the reason I breathe But when you go I fall to pieces_

_I only breathe when I'm with you I only smile when I think of you I only wish that I was with you The only one I trust is you The only one is you_

_The feeling cuts me like a knife And I've never put up much a fight The words you say run through my brain like the voices calling your name_

_I'm alive with you You're the reason I breathe But when you go I fall to pieces_

_I only breathe when I'm with you I only smile when I think of you I only wish that I was with you The only one I trust is you The only one is you_

_I will run to the ends of the earth just to find you I will fight until I'm numb just to have you I will do everything in my power just to keep you And the promise that I'll make says that I love you, cause_

_I only breathe when I'm with you I only smile when I think of you I only wish that I was with you The only one I trust is you The only one is you_

_Only one is you The only one is you It's you You're the one_

She stopped singing and looked back at the moon, when reality hit her. She's a broken girl with self-harming issues and an abusive dad. Why would Brian love her? No guy would love someone like her.

That's probably why Beck went for Tori, because she's less of a hassle. She picked up her phone and looked at the good night text she had gotten from Brian.

_**I really had fun tonight. Good night Jadey. Sweet dreams xx –B**_

She sighed and put her phone away as she walked back into Cat's room to try and get some sleep.

**I know it's still short but I'm working on it (: Oh yeah, and the song used is called Only One Is You. It is also one of my songs, so I own copyright to it. I just figured it would be easier and more original using my own songs :P**


	11. Chapter 10: Missed Messages

**Chapter 10**

**Missed Messages**

Jade walked back through the front door of her house. She had just gotten back from Cat's house.

Looking around, she noticed that _he_ wasn't there, luckily. She couldn't deal with him now.

She walked up the stairs, into the room and sat on the bed. She grabbed her phone and went through all the texts Brian had sent her today, which she never replied to. He was sweet, asking her how she was, if she slept well, etcetera.

She smiled at some of the funny texts he had sent, and realized that Beck never did anything like this for her. He never sent her a random text just asking how she was. He barely even called her.

She realized that Brian may be falling for her, which is exactly what he shouldn't do. If he does, they'll start dating and one day he will find out about her life, and probably freak out like Beck did.

Only difference is, Brian might actually leave, whereas Beck only refused to acknowledge it. She put the light off and lay back on her bed, trying to sleep but not getting near.

After a few hours of not falling asleep, she gave up and got out of bed, walking to the bathroom. About fifteen minutes later she came out, soaking wet and wrapped in a towel, and walked to her closet. She decided on her outfit and went to blow-dry her hair, putting her famous green and blue streaks in.

When she was done, she grabbed her bag and walked downstairs. _He_ still wasn't home, but she really didn't care, even if this was out of character for him. She walked outside and got into her car. 'But It's Better If You Do' by Panic! at the Disco started playing, and she started singing along as she drove.

_Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret.__  
__Somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name__  
__As she sheds her skin on stage__  
__I'm seated and sweating to a dance song on the club's P.A.__  
__The strip joint veteran sits two away__  
__Smirking between dignified sips of his dignified peach and lime daiquiri_

_And isn't this exactly where you'd like me__  
__I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know__  
__Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety__  
__Oh, isn't this exactly where you'd like me__  
__I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know__  
__Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety_

_But, but I'm afraid that I__  
__Well, I may have faked it__  
__And I wouldn't be caught dead d-dead d-dead d-dead in this place_

_Well, I'm afraid that I__  
__Well, that's right, well I may have faked it__  
__And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place_

_And isn't this exactly where you'd like me__  
__I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know__  
__Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety__  
__Oh, isn't this exactly where you'd like me__  
__I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know__  
__Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety_

_Well, I'm afraid that I__  
__Well, I may have faked it__  
__And I wouldn't be caught dead d-dead d-dead d-dead in this place_

_Well, I'm afraid that I__  
__Well, that's right, well I may have faked it__  
__And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place_

_And isn't this exactly where you'd like me__  
__I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know__  
__Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety__  
__Oh, isn't this exactly where you'd like me__  
__I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know__  
__Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety_

_Praying for love and paying in naivety__  
__Praying for love and paying in naivety, oh_

As the song finished, she pulled up into the parking lot of Hollywood Arts High School. She got out of the car and walked to the entrance, through the double doors and straight to her scissor covered locker. She rummaged through the locker, grabbed her Theatre History book and walked to first period.

As the bell rang for lunch, she was relieved to get out of her second period class, and was on her way to the Asphalt Café.

After getting a burrito for lunch (and arguing with Festus because he pretended not to have them) she walked to a table and sat down. No less than two seconds later she heard a shrill voice behind her. "Hi Jade! You got a burrito too?" Cat asked as she came and sat next to Jade. Robbie sat across her holding Rex.

'Ugh, why did he have to bring that annoying puppet?!' she practically yelled in her head.

"Hey Jade," Robbie greeted her. "Hello sweet cheeks," came from Rex, and made Jade almost want to rip his head off. She rolled her eyes and picked at her burrito.

A few minutes later André also came and sat at the table. Everyone except Jade started talking, chatting and laughing. She was actually glad when the bell rang and she got to go to her third period, which was her directing class.

After a few more hours of suffering in school, it finally ended. Jade walked out of Hollywood Arts, kind of regretting coming today. Right now, she just wanted to go home and sleep. When she got to her car, she felt a hand grip hers. At first she jumped, but then realized the other hand's grip was soft, and familiar. She turned around and saw amazing blue eyes that she'd know anywhere.

"Brian?"

**A/N: Stupid chapter, I know… but it WILL get better, I promise. This was just another filler (:**


	12. Chapter 11: Playgrounds Also Crumble

**Chapter 11**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious or Brian Haner or Jimmy (Sullivan, otherwise known as The Rev)**

**Playgrounds Also Crumble**

_After a few more hours of suffering in school, it finally ended. Jade walked out of Hollywood Arts, kind of regretting coming today. Right now, she just wanted to go home and sleep. When she got to her car, she felt a hand grip hers. At first she jumped, but then realized the other hand's grip was soft, and familiar. She turned around and saw amazing blue eyes that she'd know anywhere._

"_Brian?"_

"Hey Jade," Brian said, looking a bit uncomfortable. "You didn't reply to my messages so I just wanted to make sure you were okay." He smiled, blue eyes sparkling. "You weren't at your friend's house, so I came here."

Jade sighed. She was happy that he was here, and that he actually cared. But everything she thought of last night came back. She didn't want him to get hurt. "I'm fine, don't worry," she said, trying to put on a smile. He noticed she was faking though.

"Come on," he held out his hand. "Let's go somewhere." She reluctantly took it, and he led her to his car. She got in and they started driving to who knows where.

Brian drove to an abandoned playground that Jade knew all too well. It was near her house and was the place she always went to escape. They got out and she breathed in the musky air surrounding the playground.

She hasn't been here in a while. A long while. She missed it, sort of. Her escape from reality. She walked over to and sat on a see-saw, that could no longer see or saw, as it was rusty and broken. Brian walked around, looking for something. At least, that's what it looked like to Jade.

It was a long while before someone spoke. "Jade, come over here. I want to show you something." Jade got up out of curiosity, and walked over to where Brian was. He was standing by a jungle gym, pointing to white marking on the pole. She looked closer, and saw that it said 'Brian E Haner' in curly handwriting. "I wrote this here when I was about five years old. Don't know why though."

He chuckled and moved to another pole with white marking on it that said 'Jimmy.' "I wrote that a few years ago when my best friend died. He was like my brother." Jade gasped a little, but kept it quiet.

"W..what did he… die of?" she tried to ask, but struggled to find her voice.

"Overdose." He answered, almost instantly. "Drank too much alcohol, and that mixed with his heart pills was not a good combination." He chuckled dryly. "Jimmy always said he'd never make it to see thirty. He was far away from thirty, so he told the truth."

Jade felt her heart break a little because of the pain in his eyes. "Why are you telling me all this?" she asked, softly.

"To get you to trust me. I can see you're hiding something, and that's why you won't text me back or talk to me. You're scared I'll run away or something. I'm trying to show you that no matter what, I'm staying. Jade, I really like you, and I don't want to lose you before I even had you." He gently took her hand, and massaged over the faint B on her wrist with his thumb. She took notice of that.

"How did you find out?" she asked him, partly scared, but still curious.

"Make-up doesn't do a very good job at covering everything, you know." He asked, still holding her hand. "I want to know what drove you to this, but I'll wait for you to be ready enough to tell me."

Jade smiled a little, looking down at their hands. She watched him as he sat down on the ground, pulling her with him. She sat with him, wrapped in his arms, where, for the first time in her life, she felt safe. She curled around, laying her head in his neck, and like that they sat for hours, watching the sun set over California.

* * *

Jade lay on her bed, still not knowing what to make of everything that happened. Brian was amazing. He figured part of her secret out, and didn't force her to tell the rest. He was gentle, caring, sweet and she didn't deserve him. She sighed and put on the radio. _Hold On _by _Good Charlotte_ came on, and strangely spoke to her as she still tried to make sense of everything.

_This world, this world is cold__  
__But you don't, you don't have to go__  
__You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely__  
__And no one seems to care__  
__Your mother's gone and your father hits you__  
__This pain you cannot bear_

_But we all bleed the same way as you do__  
__And we all have the same things to go through_

_Hold on, if you feel like letting go__  
__Hold on, it gets better than you know_

It definitely didn't feel like things were getting better for her. It felt as if things were just getting complicated.

_Your days, you say they're way too long__  
__And your nights, you can't sleep at all__  
__Hold on__  
__And you're not sure what you're waiting for__  
__But you don't want to no more__  
__You're not sure what you're looking for__  
__But you don't want to no more_

Jade really wasn't sure of what she was looking for.

_But we all bleed the same way as you do__  
__And we all have the same things to go throughHold on, if you feel like letting go__  
__Hold on, it gets better than you know__  
__Don't stop looking you're one step closer__  
__Don't stop searching it's not over__  
__Hold onWhat are you looking for?__  
__What are you waiting for?__  
__Do you know what you're doing to me?__  
__Go ahead...what are you waiting for?Hold on, if you feel like letting go__  
__Hold on, it gets better than you know__  
__Don't stop looking you're one step closer__  
__Don't stop searching it's not overHold on, if you feel like letting go__  
__Hold on, it gets better than you know__  
__Hold on_

Jade didn't know how to hold on. She felt trapped. And now, only Brian could save her.

**Tell me what you thought. I also don't own the song used, Joel and Benji Madden do**


	13. Chapter 12: Confessions and I Love You

**Chapter 12**

**Confessions and I Love You**

Jade lay curled up at the bottom of the staircase. She didn't want to get up; she couldn't. And it was _his_ entirefault. _He _got off work early, and 'celebrated' – in other words, drank himself into a stupor. After that, he came home and found fault with everything again. And Jade happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

After what felt like an eternity of kicks and hits, he finally left to watch television, and left Jade there. She found the strength to get up and crawl up the stairs to her room, locking it behind her. She walked into the bathroom, not even caring about getting into a bath or shower. She frantically searched for something all too familiar. She smiled when she found it, twirling her little razor blade around and around.

She sat down on the floor and brought the razor down to her forearm, already covered in scars, some old, some a little newer, yet still there. She pressed down, but before she could cut further, she saw the little faded B on her arm.

_Jade felt her heart break a little because of the pain in his eyes. "Why are you telling me all this?" she asked, softly._

"_To get you to trust me. I can see you're hiding something, and that's why you won't text me back or talk to me. You're scared I'll run away or something. I'm trying to show you that no matter what, I'm staying. Jade, I really like you, and I don't want to lose you before I even had you." He gently took her hand, and massaged over the faint B on her wrist with his thumb. She took notice of that._

Jade gasped a little at the memory. She felt numb. He knew about this. All of this, and he's still staying.

"_How did you find out?" she asked him, partly scared, but still curious._

"_Make-up doesn't do a very good job at covering everything, you know." He asked, still holding her hand. "I want to know what drove you to this, but I'll wait for you to be ready enough to tell me."_

_Jade smiled a little, looking down at their hands. She watched him as he sat down on the ground, pulling her with him. She sat with him, wrapped in his arms, where, for the first time in her life, she felt safe. She curled around, laying her head in his neck, and like that they sat for hours, watching the sun set over California._

She dropped the razor blade. 'I can't do this,' she thought. 'I can't hurt him by doing this.' She sighed. It was time to tell him exactly why she was doing this. She got up and grabbed her bag, walking out of her room and house, to her truck. She got in and started it, starting to drive to a certain place. It took about 15 minutes to get there, but she didn't mind. After a little while, she pulled into his driveway. She walked up to his door and knocked on it. After a while, the door opened.

"Brian… I need you." She almost sobbed out.

"Jade… oh my.." He looked her up and down. "What happened?" He had a worried look on his face.

"Can I come in?" Jade asked as if she never heard him.

"Oh yeah, sure. Come in." He stepped out of the way to let her in. She walked in and looked around. "Nice place."

Brian smiled a little. "Thanks, I guess.. Want something to drink? You seem a bit…shook up."

Jade looked down. She hadn't even realized she'd been shaking. She couldn't take it anymore; the secrets were fighting to come out. She broke down. Brian ran over to her, and sort of caught her as she fell into her breakdown. He led her to the couch and held her tight to him, wishing he could take her pain away.

"H-he…" Jade tried to speak, but her voice was barely a whisper now.

Brian tilted her head up to look at him. "You can trust me. Please trust me, let me in. I don't want to see you in pain like this."

Jade tried to calm down and started talking. Her walls came down and she told him everything, starting from the beginning.

_Five year old Jade was running around the house, looking for her imaginary friend. "Danny! Danny, where are you?" She giggled while running, stopping to pick up a basketball. "Danny, let's play basketball!" She ran outside while bouncing the ball._

"_Be careful Jade!" her mother yelled from the kitchen. Jade didn't listen; she barely listened. She was too busy looking for Danny. Jade's mother walked outside to get the mail that was just delivered, when she saw Jade running into the street. "Jade, get out of the street!"_

_Jade kept running, because Danny was on the other side. She didn't notice the car coming at her. "Jade!" Mrs. West ran into the street to save her daughter. She grabbed Jade and pushed her to the other side of the street, but the car hit Mrs. West. Jade screamed bloody murder just as her dad came out of the house._

"She died that day. So did my dad, in a way. He blames me for my mom's death. He started drinking heavily, and a year later he started beating me, making me feel like I deserved it. I started cutting when I was 13 to deal with the pain.. now you know everything." Jade looked down.

Brian looked shocked. He softly took her hand, pulling her arm closer to him. He pushed the sleeve of her shirt up to reveal dozens of little scars and cuts. He ran his fingers over each one, stopping when she flinched at one very light one. He looked up at her. "After he beat me today, I tried cutting again, but then I remembered everything you told me, and stopped." She smiled a little at her self-control.

Brian got up and pulled her with him, leading her up the stairs to his room. He sat her down on his bed and went to the bathroom, getting disinfectant and a bandage. He walked back, and softly tended to the new little cut. When he was done, he looked into her eyes. "I'm proud of you. You stopped yourself from cutting again. You are truly amazing."

Jade looked down. "No, I'm not. I'm not amazing, or great or anything."

Brian ran his fingers over the little cuts again. "Yes, you are. You're amazing, and great, and extraordinary, and beautiful, and I absolutely adore you."

Jade looked down. "But I'm nothing. I'm worthless. I'm like a scarred black rose with thorns so poisonous they could kill you." She looked up.

Brian chuckled looking deep into her eyes. "Well, then I guess I'm falling in love with a scarred black rose, thorns and all."

Jade smiled. "That's good then, because I'm falling in love with a sexy blue-eyed guitarist."

"Hmm… Do I know him?" Brian smirked at her.

"No, but he's amazing." Jade smiled.

"Oh really now?" He pulled her closer.

"Yep." She smiled.

"Hmm… Guess I'll have to show him up." He smirked, pulling her closer until their lips met. He kissed her softly, but she deepened the kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck, while he ran his fingers through her hair, softly laying her down on the bed. She moved her hands down his body and tugged at his shirt, pulling it over his head. She ran her hands up and down his body, loving the feeling of every inch and curve his body gave.

He moved his hands down to unbutton her shirt, pulling it off her body, exposing a few more scars on her stomach. He broke the kiss to look down at the scars. He ran his hands over them softly and looked up at Jade, who looked guilty. He smiled a little and put his hand behind her head, holding her close to him, yet not letting his weight crush her. "I don't care what you do, or what you've done, or what you've been through. I'll still love you no matter what." They both smiled as he leaned down to kiss her again, continuing where they left off.


	14. Apology

**Unfortunately, for the time being, this story has been put on a hiatus.**

**I promise to get working on it again as soon as I can, but I need to sort some things out.**

**I'm really sorry for the inconvenience and I hope you'll still support the story when I get back to it.**

**Yours truly**

**Fiction95**


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